Maybe

July 3, 2016 § Leave a comment

I just don’t have it in me.

I know somewhere in there, you are deeply confused. And, I know somewhere in there, you know perfectly well.

I pushed myself too far. I tried to bend, believing in you more than I did myself.

I think you can believe me when I tell you I gave it everything I had. And, now that the dam has broke, I can’t bring myself to share the laundry list with you. 

There’s two reasons for this. One, my willingness to approach emotional intimacy with you is tapped out. Two, I can’t bring myself to beleaguer the past as I watched you do with your mother.

I waited to tell you until I was good and ready. I was so incredibly triggered, it had gone on too far for too long. Your immediate response was that my timing was inconvenient… 

I told you I was showing symptoms, you told me it was impossible that I had contracted it. 

I waited until you were back in Austin to tell you the test came back positive because I didn’t want to ruin your travels. I got to hear how horrible your symptoms were while you were in Amsterdam.

I pushed myself to tolerate, to try to change my reaction, and you kept telling me it was just your way of showing me that you loved me.

I did my best. I gave you a retreat, I fed you. I cleaned your old apartment, gave you money and supplies. I encouraged others to support you on your adventures.

I wouldn’t hear from you for long periods of time. You wouldn’t answer my calls.

And then you came back. You said you didn’t want to hurt me, and I told you it always hurt when you left anyway.

We tried. Maybe I was selfish. Maybe I was giving you comfort out of my own agenda.

Maybe I loved you and I just didn’t know how else to go about it. Maybe you loved me…

Maybe we will be friends again someday.

Maybe.

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